A Glance Back: The Surgery

The day was early and cold. I recall Chris wheeling me in the waiting area and soon into another room. This was where my vitals were taken. I said my "goodbyes" and was taken into the surgery room and helped onto the table. The stress test was taken and monitor was placed more securely for the surgery. I was helped in a sitting position curled forward for the epidural. The lower part of my spinal cord was disinfected and I was told "do not move". I knew the risk of an epidural going into the wrong area could cause me to be paralysis. I was then told to lay down and a sheet draped right in front of my face. Before I could ponder feeling claustrophobic, I saw my foot being pulled upward by an anchor and chain. I thought this was amazing my leg could stretch at so many unimaginable angles.

After awhile, I started feeling as though my chest was becoming heavy. I didn't know if this part of feeling claustrophobic so I told the nurse. She told me to relax and I tried. Then, my throat felt like it was closing and I was now feeling my chest become extremely heavy. I was now taking deep breaths to relieve the feeling and several nurses were now surrounding my head. I said I was having a hard time breathing and the anesthesiologist who had given me the epidural was called and I could hear his running steps as he entered the room and to my side. I was checked and he told me some of the epidural had entered into my chest cavity. He told this "hardly ever happens". He told me there was nothing he could do to take the heavy chest or throat closing feelings away. He just said I was going to have to search deep inside myself and tell myself I could breath. He told me it wasn't safe for me to breath so heavily because this could trigger other things. For example, my heart rate to rise and thus the baby to become stressed. I knew the baby's monitor nurse had called my doctor and told her I had a contraction. I was given something through my i.v. to help relax me through the duration of the surgery.

Since I couldn't have much to help relieve my feelings of not being able to breath, I started wondering: Would this baby Cooper's birthday?. I could hear the nurse monitoring the baby say I just had another contraction. Dr. Carr preforming my ankle surgery told me "hang in there" and then his voice was drowned out by a familiar sound. Am I hearing a drill? Yes, it was a drill. I could imagine Chris using this same drill for those really longs screws. But this wasn't Chris drilling a screw into a board, it was my ankle. A drill was being used on my ankle and I was "freaking out".

I knew these thoughts would not help me to relax. I started to pray for help. My prayers caused me to have tears and I could the nurses telling me its okay. There voices were now miles away because my mind was now on praying. I prayed to let the baby not be born today because it was way too early. I prayed for relieve of my feelings of not being able to breath and to help me relax. I prayed, Lord...please,please,please,give your strength. I need your help, please, please, Lord. I remember during this helpless and desperate pray a song entered my thoughts. "He loves me so...he loves me so...He so good to me..." The hymn "God is so Good" was the answer and help that was given to me. My mind and heart was singing this and I felt completely relaxed. I continued to stay connected with the Lord through prays and I was told my heart rate was normal again and the baby hadn't had any other contractions.

The surgery ended soon after I was moved into another area to be monitored. The nurse who placed the monitor on my stomach was with me and said Dr. Ricinger wanted me to stay. I asked for how long because my ankle surgery was supposed to be out-patient. The nurse said because I had 2 contractions, I needed to be monitored overnight. Chris arrived and was told I would be checking into the hospital to stay the night. My dad stopped by soon after I had checked in for the night. My foot was still numb from the epidural so my pain was tolerable. I remember telling him I was hurting but I thought this would be all I would have to endure. The minutes when the epidural was diminishing completely, I can recall vividly. I could feel a lightly painful "throb" already but this was about to the biggest "throb" I have ever felt in my entire life.

I show this imagine because I have heard "that looks like it hurts". I can say whatever pain I have felt before this surgery wasn't even on the same pain scale. Yes, the pain was above 10 (being the worse). I just remember trying not to not lose myself within the sorrows of my relentless pain.

My life was completely changed. The moment I realized my life changed, I separated myself from my body. My body had let me down and I didn't know I could ever trust "it" (body) again to walk. This was a lesson I learned would also change my life.